Filed Under (Uncategorized) by catharine on Dec-14-07

We passed our health inspection.  The man from the health department arrived, and my conviction that all would be well wavered only a little when he pulled out his light-saber like gun that he used to measure the temperature of the water in ever faucet in the house.  Apparently 110 degrees is good, but 125 degrees, that’s bad.  So, we stood at every faucet waiting for it to heat while he shot red lazer beams at the water and I looked on.  I followed behind as he peaked inside our fridge and cabinets and mumbled things like “excellent” and “very good.”  Inside I was thinking, “Damn straight! Those spices are organized, savory separate from sweet–what child wouldn’t thrive in an environment like that!”  I followed him through the garage, in which, for a moment, I thought our dreams of parenthood might be dashed by the haphazard placement of the lawn mower and ladder.  I was informed that a two year old wandering alone in the garage could be hurt by these things.  “Uh, huh?  Right..?”  I didn’t tell him what I thought would be the root of the problem in that situation, but I’ll tell you it wouldn’t be the fact that that ladder was left in the middle of the floor.  And, I followed him around our backyard where he praised our well-coiled hose.  “Is that good?” I asked.  “Yes, because of the dangers of entanglement.”  I tried to imagine Cliff or I trapped in the back yard, bound up by the garden hose in some freak lawn watering accident.  It was about this point in the inspection that I started to feel defensive of our theoretical kids–certainly we haven’t met them, but I’m pretty certain they’re going to be smart enough to evade the risks associated with a garden hose.

He also informed me that the tops of our fence should eventually be sanded down because of splinters–splinters are apparently a real danger.  He ran his hands up and down the boards of the fence and along our deck, which didn’t seem like a good idea to me because of splinters.  But, not being a health inspector myself, I didn’t say anything.  I guess I figured any kid we’d have would figure this out on his own, “Gee, when I rub my hands along the grain of wood, I get splinters…”  But, who am I to say.  I nodded gravely, “yes, yes, of course, sand down the tops of the fence line–first thing tomorrow.”  I told Cliff, but oddly, he’s at work today and not sanding our fence.  hmmm….

The inspection was concluded with me hastely slapping stickers on our back door, which is mostly glass, and since our nephew has recently run through a plate glass door, I will concede the need for this.  Once informed of this danger, however, Cliff, who takes all this a little more personally, calculated angles of entry and exit through the door, formulating complex equations taking speed and possible trajectory into account based on the placement of the kitchen table and informed me confidently that it would be nearly impossible for any child to go through our back door.   So there, state-health-inspector guy, we see your over-regulated beurocratic child well-fare standards, and raise you our over-priced and otherwise unused advanced education.

So, now we wait for the homestudy to be scheduled….

4 Comments posted on "The Health Inspection"
Yodasmistress on December 14th, 2007 at 12:34 pm #



Megan on December 14th, 2007 at 1:38 pm #

That was hilarious! I am going to have to send that to my friend who has been through the process. Thanks for making me laugh. And congratulations on escaping the perils of the garden hose thus far :)

Julia on December 15th, 2007 at 2:53 pm #

I gotta come do a test crash through that back door – with me being Calamity Jane, if I can’t break it, no kid can!

Don on December 17th, 2007 at 6:49 pm #

Hmmm, maybe I need to double check those killer hoses in my yard…..

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